When you've settled into the rhythm of a marriage, the memory of your first date is eclipsed by other milestones: your wedding day, the birth of your first child, your five- or 10-year anniversary. But taking the time to relive the earliest days of your courtship can help revive those falling-in-love feelings.
"We fall in love with someone for a reason and get lost in the memory of those first dates in order to remind yourself that your partner is still that person. Pausing to remember what brought you together and looking at the life you've built together is extremely important. Appreciation can be an amazing aphrodisiac." Vermeire suggests re-creating the list of qualities you were looking for in a significant other to remind yourself how long it took to find the right person, and asking friends to help you recall what you said (or gushed) about your husband when you were first dating.
2. Don't try to re-create the butterfly feeling.
While it's a good idea to relive the happy beginning of your relationship, you don't want to over-romanticize it. The early excitement of falling in love is a wonderful thing, but what you have now is even better. "It's important to remember that those sensations are actually related to an underlying fear of rejection, so there's an element of risk that creates excitement.
"The sensation that brings back excitement is a quieter, subtle connection that's more even, steady, and fulfilling. While this feeling is less chaotic, don't mistake it for certainty, because that can lead to stagnation." Revel in the lack of butterflies. Appreciate the luxury and comfort of knowing you're coming home to someone who's totally committed to you.
3. Avoid focusing on the negative.
The longer you're married, the more likely you are to pay attention to the negative aspects of your spouse, rather than the traits you found adorable when you first fell for him. To counteract this tendency toward criticism, be more intentional about positive communication. In other words, work hard to stay in love.
"During the courtship stage as I call it we automatically focus on the positive and make our partner feel valued and chosen, The Dance of Anger. "The longer people are together, the more this selective attention flips. Don’t get lazy because the natural course of marriage is downstream. Fight the current." She suggests ensuring your positive feedback exceeds the critical stuff by making at least two encouraging comments to your partner every day.
4. Get physical and not just in bed.
When you're falling in love with someone, you constantly look for ways to be in physical contact with that person and we don't just mean when you're naked. Reincorporating everyday physical gestures here and there can help stir up those loving feelings again. "Start small with a gentle brush of the arm, a pat on the back, holding hands, just putting your hand on top of his. The skin is the largest organ on our body, and physical touch is an important human need." Before you know it, those little touches will translate to a deepened emotional connection.
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