We are wired to have feelings. If we express these feelings in off-putting ways, this wiring can invite a disconnect in our relationships. By contrast, expressing feelings in a safe way can lead to our feeling more connected, especially to loved ones. Knowing how to express feelings tactfully therefore is vital if you want to feel close to people and be able to sustain your intimate relationships.
Sharing feelings enables you to talk through the situation causing the feelings. That way you and others involved in the situation can figure out what to do about it. Otherwise negative feelings fester, the problem lingers or gets worse, and your relationship suffers.
Sometimes our emotions can seem to get the better of us. When this happens, it is possible to give off the wrong impression or do something we regret. Learning to express your emotions effectively will allow you to communicate clearly and carefully, without hurting those around you or making the situation worse.
This article provides a few tips.
*Expressing Anger:
1)Learn to calm your angry feelings.
Anger can feel like it controls you. If this is a common feeling for you, then it would probably be very helpful for you to learn how to calm down. If your gut reaction is to hit someone or an object (for instance a wall), then it's obvious that this is going to hurt you or someone else. Maybe even both.
*Instead, find an outlet that harms nobody, such as a punch bag in an area where you feel secure, like your bedroom, so that when you feel that your anger is getting the better of you, you can retreat into this area and pummel the punch bag.
*If you have the urge to hit someone, then you could always imagine the punch bag was this person although this type of violence shouldn't be encouraged, sometimes it can be the only way to feel truly satisfied. Just don't tell the person that, or it could end badly!
2)Think before you speak.
Anger can cause you to say things that you regret to the people you love.
*People with siblings, for example, often say "I hate you!" to them and later on think "Actually, I love my little bro/sis" or something along the lines of that. If you're afraid of saying something hurtful to someone, then try writing down these things instead, so that not only do you get the satisfaction of expressing something you know is (probably) wrong, but you don't hurt that person.
*It may help to carry a pocket-size notebook with you if you think this will help. It's not for all, but give it a try.
3)Rant!
Write down your angry thoughts as if you were shouting it out to the world. If it's a particular thing that has angered you, why not rant about it and express these feelings on paper? This allows you to express your anger and, later on when you've calmed down, read through your notes and understand the reason behind your anger and how you could prevent it happening again in the future.
4)Talk it through with a friend.
Friends are there for each other, and if you're angry at something other than your best friend, it can really help to talk it through with them.
*If you regularly speak to a counselor, social worker, therapist, psychologist, support worker, etc., then you could talk this through with them and ask for support on how to deal with your anger. Sometimes just talking about it can help.
*Expressing Sadness:
1)Allow your sadness its place.
Sadness is a particularly hard emotion to deal with, especially when people can see you are sad. Questions like "Are you okay?" and "What's up?" can make it more difficult to hide. But here's the thing you shouldn't have to hide it.
*Try talking about what's making you sad. It does not matter if you get upset or cry, as crying is actually scientifically proven to reduce stress due to a chemical that is released.Also, crying makes you human; it's natural to get upset in difficult situations.
2)Keep a diary.
If you feel that your secrets are safe in your diary, then express your innermost emotions and write in detail about what is upsetting you. This can help you to understand why you're upset, as sometimes it is difficult to pinpoint the cause on a single thing.
*Once you've realized what has led to the feelings, you can then think of solutions or seek help from a professional if you're depressed for a long period of time.
*Write a diary entry every day so that you can see what has improved and what has become worse, and whether your mood has improved over a period of time.
*If writing in a diary doesn't appeal, then you could write down what you want to say and what is upsetting you, as if you're writing a letter or a diary entry, and then burn it (in a safe environment of course!).
*Watching your troubles burn can give you a feeling of relief; it's as if you are physically burning and disposing of everything that's worrying you. If you're unable to burn it, or you want another way of disposing of your troubles, then try ripping it up and throwing it away, as this is like you being in control and you saying "no" to everything that's upsetting you.
3)Write a short story.
If you write it in third person, you can write about your life and the situation that has caused you to feel so upset in a way that makes it seem like someone else's problem and not yours. This is like handing over your problems to someone and saying "You know what, you deal with it" and it gives you a temporary sense of freedom.
*On the other hand, you could write a short story about a completely made up person with completely made up problems. This way, you are distracted from your own problems and are concentrating on something that doesn't exist.
*This is more of a distraction technique and doesn't work for all, as some find it can be like giving you extra issues by thinking of possibilities, but give it a try - you may find it helps. If it doesn't work for you, never mind, there's always another method!
4)Contact a helpline.
If your sadness is getting the better of you, then seek help. If you are at immediate risk of harming yourself, in the UK contact Samaritans 08457 90 90 90 or (if you're under 19) Childline 0800 1111. If you simply want to talk confidentially to someone, then there are many sites that you can look on and have 1-2-1 chats. Childline is very good for those under 19, and you can also phone 0800 1111 for a general chat about what's worrying you. Asking for help is not a weakness, but a strength - remember this.
5)Listen to music.
Sometimes, listening to music can both distract you from your feelings and lift you up. If this is what you enjoy, then relax and listen to it until you feel better.
*Expressing Worry:
1)If you are worried about a friend or loved one, it can help to talk to them about your worry for them; are they in danger?
Have they told you something in confidence? Are they acting strangely? Whatever it is, tell them you are concerned and tell them that you are there for them if they want to talk. This could give you both some peace of mind.
2)Keep a diary.
Writing a diary can offer you ways of dealing with this, as you can feel like you are discussing it with someone without actually sharing your worry. Of course, it is always best to share it with someone, but a diary is the next best thing.
3)Understand your worry.
Write down what it is and the possible ways forward. Write what is holding you back and what can be done to reduce this. It's always best to understand the reason behind it too, as this is unpicking the origin and offering ways of reversing those or at least moving on from it.
4)Distract yourself.
Choose an activity you enjoy and spend some time doing this. The less you think about the problem, the less you need to worry, although eventually you will need to face it, so don't put it off for too long or it could get worse.
5)Know when to ask for help.
If someone is danger, whether it is yourself, a friend, a loved one or even an enemy, you need to tell someone. You can't deal with this alone and it's for everyone's best interest that you seek help. Understandably, it's frightening, but be brave and take this necessary step. It's for the best.
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