1. "The new trainer at the gym is really hot."
When Ellen, 56, started working out, she expected to tone up, slim down, and get healthier. However, she wasn't prepared for the onslaught of good-looking guys. "I'll admit it: The cute cycling instructor served as an extra incentive for me to wake up when my 7 a.m. alarm went off," she says. But when Ellen's husband asked how her new gym routine was going, she wisely left out the eye candy.
"Tell your husband that you're enjoying it, but keep your opinion about your trainer’s triceps to yourself," says Lisa Thomas, a licensed marriage and sex therapist in Denver, CO. "Think about how the truth will affect him it will likely just hurt his feelings and not much else." If you do feel the urge to share, ask yourself why you're trying to make your husband jealous all of a sudden. Maybe it's a sign that you've been in a rut recently and need to do something to spice things up. While flirty looks can certainly be one way to go about it, a smarter route is finding things that will make you feel passionate and alive, like taking a wine-tasting class or planning a trip to somewhere you've never been.
2. "I can't stand your know-it-all aunt."
Some in-laws may drive you a bit insane, but if your spouse's parents, siblings, or other family members aren't doing anything to harm your quality of life, there's usually no need to reveal that you find them annoying. "Telling him that you hate his beloved Aunt May won't do anything but cause hurt feelings and awkward holiday dinners," says Thomas. Judith Sills, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in Philadelphia, agrees.
"The fact that you're married doesn't give you the license to express every negative thought or feeling." During the holidays, which are ripe with family get-togethers, try to minimize the time that you spend with that person. When you visit his aunt, express your desire to stay at a hotel, not at her house, remind yourself to stay positive, and make sure to schedule some alone time during the trip, Thomas suggests.
3. "This skin cream:
Lying about the fact that you have a pile of unpaid credit card bills stashed in a drawer is stupid and could destroy a relationship. But fibbing about how much you spent on that jar of face cream? That's your secret to keep, says Sills, as long as you know you can afford it. She calls this "minor conflict avoidance." "After all, splurging on anti-aging face cream is something most men will never understand," she says. In the future, it's a good idea to set a limit for each partner, like $200 per month, to spend on discretionary items no questions asked, says Thomas. But if you find that you can’t seem to stick to the budget every month, there may be larger factors at play about which it's time to come clean.
4. "Your new haircut looks terrible."
"I told my husband that his haircut made him look like a high-schooler," says Julia, 32. "It didn't go over well." The problem with commenting on his hair or that terrible tie he wore to work last week when he had a big presentation? "They are things that cannot be easily fixed," says Sills. "And even if you think it's constructive, it's still criticism, and it can hurt."
Instead of coming straight out with it, phrase your feedback in a more positive way. Rather than, "That short-sleeve button-down shirt looks ridiculous on you," buy him a long-sleeve version and say, "I think you'd look so handsome in this," Sills suggests. It's ego-stroking, not lying. And when that awful haircut finally grows out, tell him, "I love your hair like this it makes you look so distinguished."
5. "It's okay, I'm not mad."
Here's one instance where a little conflict may actually be better for your relationship in the long run. If you asked your husband to pay the cable bill or call the handyman and he forgot, don't cover up your anger and give him a hall pass especially if it's a regular occurrence and it continually bugs you. "That enables him to forget again the next time," says Thomas. Instead, remind him that you really need him to do the chore nicely, not naggingly again. And when he does finally remember, give him an honest thanks.
6. "That actually wasn't good for me."
It's true that a great sex life or lack thereof can be an indication of the level of intimacy and connection in the marriage in general. However, sometimes it really isn't for men at least. We all have a great tendency to personalize issues surrounding sex, wondering whether a lack of passion or desire has something to do with us, our bodies, or our relationship, but consider that your husband may have just been tired, distracted, or stressed and give him some space to figure things out. If it seems to be that way for a while, then it might be time to talk about it.
7. "You stuttered through that entire speech."
After your husband makes a toast at his friend's wedding and his jokes totally fall flat, you want to simply offer support not criticism. The look in your eye will be enough to tell him how you really felt, meaning there's no need to heap on the criticism by stating it outright. Just focus on one or two details that did go right, like the love he expressed for his friend and the great stories he recalled. Working on developing the ability to see the good in others isn't just great marriage advice it's useful advice in all of life.
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